To My Mom in Heaven… I love you.
This letter is long, but I now know how hard and horrible it is to loose your mom, or someone so close to you. It is a pain that you can’t even describe and grief is like a roller coaster. I am sharing my heart so that you know that you aren’t alone if you are going through something like this or you went through it already. Stay strong in your faith and always lean on God. Writing has helped me so much throughout losing my mom and I am just now getting to where I am sharing some of it, so here it goes.
Each day goes by and I think about you more and more. I wonder what your doing “up there” with God and what it would be like if you were still here today, if you were cancer free again and what we would be doing together. I know that most likely that would consist of girls shopping day and your favorite place to eat, Marketplace (or Olive Garden/Johnny Carino’s- the only 2 places that sounded good to you most of the time while on chemo), then some TCBY (our favorite). Gosh, I miss you so much.
The morning I lost you was the worst day of my life but I try to find peace knowing you are with God right now.
There is such a clear and vivid image in my head of when you went to be with God, of how I couldn’t let go of you for the funeral home to take your body, of me kissing your head for the very last time and taking your turban just so I could smell it when I’m missing you.
The doctor telling us the cancer was taking over your body was absolutely horrible. Ever since we found out you had cancer, I always believed that we could get through this together and that there would be a miracle. I now know that God just needed you more and his plan was different than ours. There was nothing else I could do but try to really lean on God and his plan and just lay there with you. I felt so helpless and sick, like a painful stab in your whole body that no one experiences besides when something tragic like this happens. You fought cancer so hard and I was so proud of you. I know that you did it for us and I can’t imagine how sick you felt throughout all of it but I am forever thankful for having such an amazing mom that would do absolutely anything for me, and always there. You chose to fight this cancer hard for us, I truly believe that. The doctor telling us at the beginning that this cancer wasn’t curable, you still fought so hard and lived every day to the best and now I try to do that.
The pain doesn’t seem to go away.
There will be good days and really rough nights. Nights are slower and I don’t have as much going on, so it hits me the most. It hurts, it’s like an internal pain that doesn’t stop and to be honest I carry a heavy hurt and feel empty without you here. I still haven’t gotten back to all the texts from people, but I am trying to, it is just taking me time as this still doesn’t feel real. I can’t thank everyone enough for being here and all that they did to help. There are some nights where I just shut myself in my room and go through all the cards you wrote me, the videos and pictures I have of us (thank goodness I was annoying with the camera to everyone and videoed things/took many pictures but you knew I loved capturing moments so you always went with it), just to try to feel like you are here again. Sometimes I just need to put my head in my pillow and cry. There will be some days where I want to talk to someone and some where I don’t want to talk or do anything and I just want to be by myself. Grief is so hard, its like a roller coaster. I would do anything to hear your voice in person and have our daily conversations again.
It feels like you are just on a really long vacation.
My heart sinks as I realize that you are really, actually gone and not coming back. It seems as I almost try to avoid the fact that you are gone. I still pick up the phone to try to call you and have our multiple daily talks, then I realize you won’t answer and the tears come rushing down. It’s even hard to go into your bedroom and bathroom at home. I have immediate flashbacks of the last few days you were here with me, of me helping you sit up, walk to the bathroom and rubbing lotion on your face and hands just to try to make you feel good. Sometimes in the store, I will see the back of a pretty woman’s head and it looks like the back of yours. Oh how I wish that it was. Your favorite song “All Night Long” that we played at your celebration of life, seems to follow me everywhere I go that we would go together. I can’t help but let the tears come down as I know you are still with me.
It’s the Little Things.
The calls, the dinner’s, the pep talks from you, always knowing you would show up and be there for me, hearing you say “I’m so proud of you, you’re so awesome, go for that crazy dream and live everyday like you don’t know what tomorrow holds.” You really don’t recognize those little things coming from someone until they are gone and you won’t ever hear them again. Ever since you passed away, I have become so much more aware of the “little things” in life. It’s the little things in life that makes life so much more sweeter. Rather its an encouraging word to someone, just being there for someone/sending a text, or doing something for someone, it ALL makes a huge difference. You made such a difference in my life, such an awesome impact and I am forever thankful for having such an amazing mom. You were one in a million.
I talk to you in my prayers, waiting to just hear your voice again and to feel you close by.
I still tell God to give you a hug for me, tell you that I love you and that I miss you more and more every day. Then, I will sit in silence in the middle of my prayer to try to hear your voice of saying “I love you too, Raka’.” Sometimes it happens and I just replay it in my mind over and over. I talk to God about how much I miss you and to give me strength to get through this. Grief is so hard and half of the time its like an emotional roller coaster. Never did I think that I would lose you this early in my life and there has been and will be so many things in my life that I wish you were here for. I held you so tight to my heart and I hold on to loved ones even tighter now. You really never know what the next day holds and when you could lose someone you love so much. I thank God for every day I am alive and try to make it the best just like you always told me to.
I know that you are an Angel in Heaven right now and watching over me.
Although I hurt so deeply, I know that you would want me to keep moving forward and I am trying to, but it is hard to let go of the fact that you are really gone. I am trying to adjust to this new normal of not having my mom and to be honest, it sucks. People often ask me how I am, and I think back to what you ALWAYS did even while fighting Stage IV cancer, you smiled and said I am great, so I do the same. When I am feeling down, I just try to think of all the happy times we had and I pray. I know that you will always be watching over me and I try to find some type of peace knowing that you are with God and that you are always with me everywhere I go now.
I promise I will try to always relive your traditions and to always think “what would mom do and would mom like this” as this has already gone through my head multiple times. Wherever I am and whatever I do, I will always feel your shine on me. I always want to make you proud and hope that I still do. I hope that when I pray to you and tell God to tell you that I love you and I miss you, that you feel that and that you know that there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. I will always remember you and all of our precious times together. You were the best mom there was, and so many people loved you. I love you so much mom.
P.s. You are my beautiful guardian angel, mama.
Today is my first blog post since May… I needed time to try to process things. Thanks for your patience and for reading this today. Love, Raka’